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Sun, Dec. 5th, 2010, 03:06 am
sexychainsaw: OC help please??

Alright, so me and three other people started writing a story. Two of us were decent writers, but well... the other two... let's just say... this.
So long story short, my best friend and I (the decent writers) got into a, erm, creative disagreement with the other two, and while they chose to stop writing the story all together, we decided to take it from an earlier point. However, there are still a couple characters that are sort of, well, this.

We've changed them up a bit, but if anyone has any further suggestions, that would be cool.

I'll post the story, even though the characters we have issues with aren't mentioned all that much.

- Title: temporarily known as The Book of Awesome.

- A link to the story: The whole story isn't up, but here you go.

- Age Rating: R, violence, gore and adult language

- Explanation: I sorta explained above, but yeah. I mainly want help with Persephone and Antigone, but any other critique is cool.

Persephone Karolak (formerly Persephone Envy)
Age: 19 (formerly immortal, age unknown)
Hometown: Henderson, Nevada
Appearance: Long black hair, thin, brown eyes (formerly violet), very pale. Originally had a beauty mark above her lip, though I'm not sure if she still does.
Powers: Can... I guess become shadows, and travel through something called the shadow world. In the original, she had putty that she could form into anything, and it would come to life, but we've taken that out cause it's dumb.
Background: It's all pretty much mysterious. She had a horrible evil Mary-Sue nightmare of a sister named Aphrodite (see above link), who we killed off because we kind of hate her. Her mother is some kind of evil seductress named Antigone (no, I don't know what's up with the Ancient Greek names), and her father, in the original version at least, was a dark lord named Hedes ( most likely a misspelling of Hades). We've left "Hedes" out of the rewriting, so I'm not sure who her father is supposed to be. Persephone was initially a villain with an unrequited love for a Japanese demon named Gary Stu... er, Enjiku. Enjiku showed her no interest at all, mainly because he was preoccupied both with his Gary Stu soul twin, Kenosuke and Antigone the cougar from hell (rawr!). However, Persephone didn't really care one way or the other for the dark side, so when Ned, one of the protagonists, shows her a bit of kindness (that and she thinks he's kinda hot), she is swayed towards  goodness.
Hm, Persephone is really diverse in the dudes she likes. From an effeminate Japanese demon boy to a rugged outlaw.

Antigone Karolak (formerly Antigone Envy)
Age: We're not sure. Old enough to have given birth to 19-year-old twins, but young enough to be a milf.
Hometown: Unknown.
Appearance: Black hair, brown eyes (formerly red), pale skin, very attractive. Described in the original as having ruby-red lips.
Powers: Seduction. This would be hard to change as it's pretty much how she keeps her underlings in line.
Background: Some of it was explained in the original, but most of it had to do with her ex-lover "Hedes" and therefore won't be used in the new version. Really, we're not sure who this chick is or where she came from. All we know is that she's evil and likes to get naked with her minions. Especially Enjiku because a lot of chicks dig evil girly Asian dudes.

Soooo... there we go. Any suggestions you have, either about these two or the story in general, would be appreciated. Thanks! :)

EDIT! I've decided to inculde Marty and Gary Stu, sorry, Enjiku and Kenosuke, in this entry because I think they could use some TLC too. They were created by two totally lovely people who were involved in the story at first, then decided to quit while they were ahead (Yup, there were six of us at first). These characters were pretty much the classic ZOMG I SHALL PUT MY DREAM GUY IN THE STORY SQUEE, which I actually think is forgivable in this case because initially the story was just for fun (and I suppose it still is). Though I really don't get why so many girls are into gay dudes. Why chase what you can't get? Especially evil sadistic gay dudes. Like, even if you somehow get him past the vagina factor, I personally enjoy sex a lot more when I'm not worrying about the guy stabbing me to death after we finish, you know? But I guess that's just me.
Anyway, I digress. On with the character descriptions.

Enjiku Mitsutaya (Do demons have last names? Come to think of it, do they even have first names?)
Age: Um, his bio says 22, but I feel like given that he's a demon, he should be older. At any rate, he looks 22.
Hometown: I would assume somewhere in Japan...
Appearance: Beautiful, but I suppose that makes sense seeing as A) He can take whatever human form he wants to, so of course he's gonna make himself look sexy and B) Persephone sure as hell didn't fall for his personality. Originally, he had silver hair but I'm thinking maybe we should change it to black because silver hair makes anyone who's not an anime character look like granny. He also has red eyes, but that sort of makes sense because he's a demon. I guess.
Powers: Um, whatever it is demons can do, I guess. Like Persephone, he's able to turn into shadows and travel via the shadow world. He can also injure people without touching them and make them freeze in place. He's probably the most powerful of the story's antagonists, but he remains under Antigone's control because she possesses the supreme power of boobies that can NOT naturally be that perky at her age...
Background: We're not sure. Where do demons come from, anyway? Do they just pop up randomly? Do they grow from spores? Are they made by confused elves who ended up working for Satan instead of Santa?

Kenosuke Echisen
Age: 19
Hometown: Someplace in Japan...
Appearance: Pretty, feminine, long dark hair, blue eyes (are blue eyes too unusual for an Asian? I'm not being racist, I promise, I've just never seen an east Asian with blue eyes before)
Powers: Not entirely sure.
Background: He had a cute little transvestite brother named Kenshi who tried to tell everyone that Kenosuke was a megadouche, but no one would listen until it was too late, causing the deaths of several pretty Japanese homosexuals. I got the idea that Kenosuke wasn't all that evil, just way too protective over his little brother and rather mentally unstable (threatening severe maiming to poor little Kenshi-chan's potential lover and at one point imprisoning several of his brother's friends in their house). I feel like it was his love for Enjiku that ultimately drew him in to the dark side.

So, that's all for the Gary twins. Any feedback/help would be awesome.