Fandom: Lord of the Rings
A Link to the story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2846389/1/
Rating: T, for the moment.
Summary: A night like any other brings together two unlikely companions: a vampire hunter chasing its latest query and an escaped prisoner whose situation suddenly goes from bad to worse. The aftermath sets in motion a chain of events neither of them expected, although as they unfold the prisoner’s greatest wish may yet be fulfilled.
Explanation: This is a crossover with the 'Blade' and 'BTVS' universe. It contains OCs and I would like to know if they are believable and if anyone in the original LOTR cast is behaving out of character. Of course, if a Mary Sue is present (which is a possibility), feel free to say so. Any tips to improve the quality of my writing would be deeply appreciated.
Considering how English is my second language, any helpful tips on how to improve my grammar, spelling and so on, would also be welcome.
The LOTR universe is somewhat AU, since I'm using a blend of book and movie cannon.
Sample: (probably too long, sorry) A faint groan drew their attention and they both turned to see the orc begin to stir. He turned on his back suddenly and began to sit up. Kalista was above him in an instant and shoved at his chest with her foot forcefully, forcing the creature back down. He, at least Gwenneth guessed it was a he, took one look at them and cursed in a guttural, foul language. It was the tongue of Mordor and it hurt her ears to hear it spoken. Kalista did not seem bothered at all by it.
“I didn’t quite get that. Gwen, do you speak this language? We need to be able to communicate with him. Ask him where the exit is.”
The Lόrien elf shook her head, the very notion of speaking a syllable of the foul tongue making her almost physically ill. The orc spat on the ground and spoke again, this time in the Common tongue.
“I understand fine. A man-brat and a she-elf. Bugger me sideways! I ain’t tellin’ you whelps nothing.”
Gwenneth saw Kalista smile thinly at that and a shiver ran down her spine at the sight. She was a vampire after all and could be very frightening when she wished to be. Even the orc took note of it and tried to edge away from her. She just pressed at his chest harder and he stopped moving, wincing in pain.
“There are two ways to do this, the easy way and the hard way. Now, the hard way involves torture, pain and blood by the buckets.” She applied more pressure to the orc’s ribcage. “The easy way involves… less of the former. The end result is going to be the same. You are going to tell me what I want to know. So what do you say we skip the interrogation and get straight to the good bits? Before I get bored and do something… unpleasant.”
The orc sneered, showing a mouthful of rotting teeth.
“You ain’t got the guts for that girlie. I’d bet my last piece of man-flesh you’d faint at the first sight of blood. You sun lovin’ dogs don’t have the stomach for it. Snaga nar baj lufut. That goes double for you elf-Kurv…”
Paling at his talk of eating the flesh of men, Gwenneth closed her eyes, feeling nauseous. Before he could finish the sentence she heard Kalista punch him in the face. Something broke. She opened her eyes in time to see him spit out blood and a broken tooth, glaring at the half breed. She sighed theatrically and kicked him in the gut hard; he tried to curl into a ball. For an instant, the she-elf almost pitied the creature. Almost.
“That would be first blood. And look, I’m still standing.” Grabbing him by the throat suddenly, she hauled him to his feet and inched their faces closer together. Gwenneth marveled at how she didn’t even flinch when he tried to bite at her cheek, just slapped him away and continued talking. “Where are we? Where is the exit? How many of you inhabit this dank cave and how do I avoid running into you? Answer these and maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you keep your miserable life.”
To Gwenneth’s surprise, the orc laughed. The sound was as harsh as the creature that produced it. Kalista did not seem to be amused by it. Between fits of laugher he managed to choke out a few sentences.
“Ha! The man-brat doesn’t know where she is! You and the elf-bitch must ‘ave been blind, deaf and dumb to wind up in the Dark Pit without knowin’ it.”
The elf’s breath caught in her throat as he mentioned a name she was familiar with. Fear coursed through her.
“Moria! We are in the mines of Moria!”
The orc stared at Gwenneth and nodded mockingly. It was as close to a nod as he could manage with Kalista’s hand wrapped tightly around his throat.
“Aye, wench. Moria. And don’t think there ain’t many of us here. Soon, they’ll find you and then you’ll be begging for…” he choked as she tightened her hold on him, cutting off his air supply. Kalista watched him gasp for breath for what seemed like forever and then dropped him on the ground. Leaning over him, she placed a small knife at the base of his throat.
“You may be right. They may find us, but I don’t see how that will mean much to you, considering you’ll be maggot food by then. You get me? Where is the exit?”
He stubbornly remained silent. Almost casually, she reached for his hand and broke one of his fingers. The orc made a pained sound in the back of his throat but did not cry out. Gwenneth searched Kalista’s face for any sign she was enjoying the creature’s pain and was unnerved to see an almost delighted half smile playing on her lips.
“Where’s the exit?” she repeated. When more silence followed, she broke his second finger. This time the orc cried out and cursed loudly in the Black tongue.
The beast of Morgoth regarded Kalista with something akin to grudging respect. Gwenneth’s skin crawled at the sight. Truly, he and all of his kind were twisted, horrible creatures and suddenly, any pity she might have felt for him was gone. He looked around before speaking.
“You ‘ave some spunk in you for a tree-hugger girlie. Aye, I know where the exit be. But there ain’t no way you’d be getting’ to it just by my direction. I’d need to take you there.”
The elf froze at that, appalled. Traveling with a vampire, no matter how often she rescued her, was bad enough but walking in the company of that traitorous, foul creature was out of the question. He could not be trusted and would turn on them as the first opportunity presented itself. Kalista must have had thoughts along the same line because she laughed and shook her head at the orc’s suggestion, looking wildly amused.
“By all means, do feel free to lead us to our gruesome deaths. We would be happy to follow you around and gape stupidly as your friends come and slaughter us.” She punched him again and his head reeled back from the blow. Blood trickled from his nose. “How retarded do you think I am? Why would I agree to this?”
The orc laughed again and managed to duck his head before her foot made contact with his face. “Because you ain’t got no other choice. You think you and the whelp can find your way out on your own? Ha! This is the Dark Pit youngling and it’s called that for a reason. Even some of the Uruks get lost ‘ere. Take a chance on trustin’ me or die here in the dark. It’s up to you manling.”
To Gwenneth’s horror, she looked as if she was actually considering it. The elf drew closer, reaching for her arm and spoke.
“No! You can not allow this filth to guide our steps. He will betray us as surely as the sun will rise in the morn. He is not to be trusted.”
He eyed the Lόrien elf with disgust. “No one’s talking to you Lulgijak,” he spat and lunged at her, temporarily escaping the warrior’s grasp. Gwenneth drew back, terrified. Kalista pushed him back on the ground and punched him again as a warning. He stopped moving and eyed her warily. She pointed at the she-elf and spoke.
“My friend here has a point. Why should I trust you? And note I feel like an idiot just for saying that.”
The orc shrugged, glancing at Gwenneth darkly before answering. “The way I figure it, I’m dead either way. If I don’t show you to the exit, you kill me. If me mates catch up with us, they’ll kill me for bein’ stupid enough to get ambushed by a stinkin’ man-brat. For me to keep breathing, I neads to get you two out of the mines. You don’t kill me and we’ll be best mates till I shove you out of the Pit. Then you go your way and I go mine. How’s that work for you girlie?”
Kalista stared at the creature intently for quite some time with a strange look on her face before nodding reluctantly. Gwenneth’s stomach clenched in fear at the thought of an orc in her close proximity for an extended period of time but she realized they had no other choice. She did not doubt the creature was right when he said they had no chance of finding the way out on their own. She knew Moria to be vast.
Kalista released him and he stood up, stretching his limbs. “All right. Lead the way. I’ll be keeping both eyes on you. On the first sign of trouble, you’re a corpse. Got it?”
The orc smiled disturbingly, licking his lips.
“Aye, wench. I got it.”