Alright, so me and three other people started writing a story. Two of us were decent writers, but well... the other two... let's just say... this.
So long story short, my best friend and I (the decent writers) got into a, erm, creative disagreement with the other two, and while they chose to stop writing the story all together, we decided to take it from an earlier point. However, there are still a couple characters that are sort of, well, this.
We've changed them up a bit, but if anyone has any further suggestions, that would be cool.
I'll post the story, even though the characters we have issues with aren't mentioned all that much.
- Title: temporarily known as The Book of Awesome.
- A link to the story: The whole story isn't up, but here you go.
- Age Rating: R, violence, gore and adult language
- Explanation: I sorta explained above, but yeah. I mainly want help with Persephone and Antigone, but any other critique is cool.( Some of the story with PersephoneCollapse )( PersephoneCollapse )( AntigoneCollapse )
Soooo... there we go. Any suggestions you have, either about these two or the story in general, would be appreciated. Thanks! :)
EDIT! I've decided to inculde Marty and Gary Stu, sorry, Enjiku and Kenosuke, in this entry because I think they could use some TLC too. They were created by two totally lovely people who were involved in the story at first, then decided to quit while they were ahead (Yup, there were six of us at first). These characters were pretty much the classic ZOMG I SHALL PUT MY DREAM GUY IN THE STO
RY SQUEE, which I actually think is forgivable in this case because initially the story was just for fun (and I suppose it still is). Though I really don't get why so many girls are into gay dudes. Why chase what you can't get? Especially evil sadistic gay dudes. Like, even if you somehow get him past the vagina factor, I personally enjoy sex a lot more when I'm not worrying about the guy stabbing me to death after we finish, you know? But I guess that's just me.
Anyway, I digress. On with the character descriptions.( EnjikuCollapse )( KenosukeCollapse )
So, that's all for the Gary twins. Any feedback/help would be awesome.
Please analyze my two original characters, Miyabi Aikawa and Aya Shimizu, for the Prince of Tennis fandom.
I’m still learning how to use and manipulate Live Journal and have thus far not figured out how I can have my journal-hosted post show up in communities so that I can preserve my formatting and any changes would update automatically everywhere. For ease of cross-posting, I’d rather not have to copy and paste the body of my post into each community.
Accessing my journal at http://cr3fr6ke.livejournal.com
will display for you the only entry within it, titled “Prince of Tennis Fanfiction || Untitled”. (If I’ve messed up on the settings, please let me know.) Reviewers are welcome to post comments directly to my journal (keeps things nice and neat).
If this is against community policy, please let me know and I’ll repost.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Title: Accidentally in Love
(Just ignore my other stories, because they're either completed or on a permanent hiatus, except Quest for Revenge)
Reason: I wrote this when I first discovered the show and fell in love with Mohinder and lusted after Sylar. I used to think that my character was the kickass female lead that you don't often see on the show, but now I think she's a bitchy Lana Lang with super powers. My readers insist that she's not a Mary Sue, but quizilla is full of Suethors, so I'm not sure if they're right. I even created this huge plot hole about the fact that she was around Sylar for so long and he didn't kill her. I tried to fix the plot hole by saying that she's been friends with him for three years and he overheard him saying that he was always special to her, ability or no ability, and he always will be. Now I realized that I just dug deeper and deeper into the plot hole under the delusion that it actually made sense. I originally posted this in oc_analyses, but now I think this is a far more suiting group for it. I really hope I can improve this piece of shit.
Rating: R; violence and adult language
Reason: I'm aware of my strengths in writing, but I feel like I don't know what my flaws are, and I'm the sort of person who always wants to be improving something. I never assume there's no flaws just because I can't find them -- it just makes me nervous wondering what I'm missing. I'd really like to know, especially, if the whole scenario seems interesting to the reader or if it's just confusing. I might expand this into a much longer story, maybe even novel-length, but I'm not going to put the effort in if it's a fatally flawed idea inherently. I especially want to know if Delve 'works' as a character; Aaron, too. I'm less concerned about Seth and the nameless lizard woman, but if there's anything that hurts the reader there I'd still like to know. Thanks in advance! :)( Excerpt.Collapse )
Staff - please delete this if it is too off-topic.
Title: To the End of Night
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
A Link to the story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2846389/1/
Rating: T, for the moment.
Summary: A night like any other brings together two unlikely companions: a vampire hunter chasing its latest query and an escaped prisoner whose situation suddenly goes from bad to worse. The aftermath sets in motion a chain of events neither of them expected, although as they unfold the prisoner’s greatest wish may yet be fulfilled.
Explanation: This is a crossover with the 'Blade' and 'BTVS' universe. It contains OCs and I would like to know if they are believable and if anyone in the original LOTR cast is behaving out of character. Of course, if a Mary Sue is present (which is a possibility), feel free to say so. Any tips to improve the quality of my writing would be deeply appreciated.
Considering how English is my second language, any helpful tips on how to improve my grammar, spelling and so on, would also be welcome.
The LOTR universe is somewhat AU, since I'm using a blend of book and movie cannon.
Sample: (probably too long, sorry) ( Read more...Collapse )
Title: MarySuing It
Fandom: Harry Potter
A Link To The Story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2867809/1/
Age Rating: M for coarse language and horror themes
Summary: It was an idea I got after reading so many self-insertion stories in which the writter would create an avatar of themselves to exist in the alternative universe. But rather than being realistic about it, they would instead grant themselves awesome powers and popularity in the other universe and disrupt/unbalance the fan-world in which they were narrating. It always annoyed me, so I wrote my own 'self-insertion' fan-fic. But instead of a character that was perfect/fantastic/loved by all, my avatar was a close resembance to myself (but not too close, of course!) with all the imperfections included.
The main character in this story doesn't get to meet the main heros in Harry Potter; really, there's no possible way you could! I'm going by the logic that anyone going from our universe into theirs would remain as muggle-like as they are here. Which means no enrolment into Hogwarts, no going on the Hogwarts Express and no meeting Harry and his pals.
Explanation: I haven't had any reveiws on the site where it's posted, so I've no idea if the lack of reviews is because the story is boring or just unread. I'm interested in knowing how well the story flows (or doesn't) and whether or not it keeps the attention of the reader.
Summary: ( Probably too long..Collapse )
In all its glory. All two chapters of its glory. All two chapters in which, admittedly, not much has happened yet in the way of explaining what in tarnation is going on, but that's one of my many and awful weak points.
This is a post with dual purpose. One is to say:
Look! I have got off my lazy butt and actually written something! Actually, I wrote it while sitting on my butt, but it was not being lazy! What fun!
And, that done, my second reason is to get y'all to check it over. So, here we go:
Title: True Continuum Police: File One (Not snappy. Not fun. Not even filed correctly, as this should be under Thursday Next not Harry Potter)
Fandom: Sort-of Thursday Next but not really. The TCP are a sister-agency of Jurisfiction.
A Link To The Story: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2736859/1/
Age Rating: Er, PG? The main character swears a bit, but then again so do most kids I know O.O
Explanation: I should write more. But I don't. So when I do, I go mad and try to tell everyone. Except people I actually know IRL, as that is embarrassing. Also, of course, so that as (fingers crossed) the story progresses, Janet doesn't sneakily get so freakin' awesome that Miss Janet pales beside her. Miss Janet comes in later. I haven't written her yet (except in my head. I expect she wants out by now).
* Or week, or month. It's Make-A-Sue Indeterminate Period Of Time!
So, I'm writing a story where the main charcter gets sucked into a fan fiction. But I cannot for the life of me think of something bad enough to call this awful fic. I could probably wrangle up a decent (read: eye-poppingly terrible) Sue to stick in it, but I need help with the title and maybe a smidgen of a plot.
So, why wait? Forget about tweaking your own lovely characters and splurge out on a great fat Sue for me!
Story Title: Music In the Heart ( http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1794035/1/
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Rating: T Status:
WIP Summary: Summary: Once again, a girl has fallen into Middle-Earth, but this time she is a clueless musician from Kansas. You know, that state in the middle US. (*Giggles* Get it?!.. *looks around* nevermind....) And she gets more than she bargins for. *I am admiting it... She is a Mary Sue (me thinks)
Explanation: I think Shae is a sue.. But I kinda don't want her to be. I mean.. I wrote this.. when I was extermly bored and knew what a sue was but.. after reading horrible sue fics, I decided that I need help!